Years ago, I read something by Danielle Laporte where she shared that when you’re going through something difficult, it’s important to wait till you're on the other side to really start talking about it.
I feel like, for me, things have been tough for a long time and I am finally getting myself on the other side of it all and recognizing the struggle. In fact, I didn’t even realize how much I was struggling until I really started really working on the issues I was facing.
If you’re a part of my community here, you know that I am passionate about making veganism and wellness accessible and fun for everyone. You’ll also know that I think wellness is so much more than our physical and nutritional health, and that I want this space (my podcast, my blog, and my YouTube channel) to talk about all the important and realistic parts of ‘wellness’. There is no denying that mental health is the cornerstone of true wellness. I hope that in sharing my story and some of what I have struggled with over the years, I can help my community here see the importance of talking about these issues transparently.
When I was 20 years old, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. My anxiety and depression were debilitating–I truly could hardly function at times. When my doctor prescribed me antidepressants, the stigma of medication (especially in the Black community) was so strong that I remember refusing and thinking “they’re always trying to push a pill.” I denied medication for my diagnoses and denied help for decades, instead relying on holistic remedies that promised to solve my problems.
I tried to manage my depression and anxiety in all the holistic ways people tell you to: getting outside, unplugging, exercising, journaling, reading, eating well, getting enough hours of sleep. None of it ever worked for me personally. I spent years of my life being SO up and down. Sometimes I’d be doing really well and feeling energetic and happy, followed by feeling the lowest I’ve ever felt and disappearing in some form for weeks, months, YEARS on end. Consistency in any way professionally or personally was impossible. I felt like the flakiest person and I was ashamed by it.
It wasn’t until something tragic happened to someone I love due to their own mental health struggles that I woke up and realized I had to figure this out for myself.
Having to sit still during a pandemic also has a way of putting things into perspective.
In October 2021, I decided to start taking antidepressants for the first time. There was a lot of shame and still remnants of that stigma to move through, but I did it. And while I still have plenty of growth to work through, the last 6 months of my life have felt more steady and hopeful than any other time. I’m showing up consistently with my work, with my podcast, with my goals. I’m getting right financially. I finally feel empowered to work towards bigger visions.
I try not to fall into the trap of regret, but when I look back on my life it’s easy to see that had I known 10 years ago what I know now, a lot of my life would have turned out differently. But we can only do the best we can when we can, and so I try to move past those feelings when they come up. I’m finally feeling like I can see things through to completion and that the fruits of my labor will bring me to where I want to be.
I also feel scared by this new empowerment–scared that I want to show up in new ways, in more ways, and knowing that I have to do it imperfectly. In my return to Youtube, for example, I am already feeling the weight of comparison as I see people showing up with professional lighting, expensive cameras, and a production team when we used to film shaky videos on our iPhones and call it a day! We are all flawed humans though, and I am letting my excitement for more content and more connection win over my fear and insecurity. I have so much to share and so many ideas that I can’t wait for you all to see and take part in.
While I’m not positive of the best way to do it, I want to incorporate more conversations about mental health into what I share with my community. While the stigmatization of medication and therapy is still a real issue, it is becoming easier to get help and to find communities of people talking about these struggles, and I want to make sure I am doing my part in sharing in those important conversations.
